Communication is serve and return, listening and responding, rupture and repair. It is the back and forth that is always happening in a dance of relationship that has the potential to teach any language on earth if you start early enough.
Children do better with tuned in serve and return communication from their caregivers, even before they can talk. Kids. Demand. Interaction. “If people truly knew what this age required, they would never become parent!” a particularly fatigued mom declared, a statement met with understanding laughter at the beginning of our most recent Foundations for Positive Development workshop, with a focus on communication.
Don’t Take it Personally!
It is always helpful to reframe that children bugging us is part of their wiring to “serve”: it not an intention to wear us down or upset us with their clever minds, it is a bid for us to “return” with a response so they can make those unfathomable connections. This second workshop built from what we learned about the developing brain, how repetition biologically reinforces neural pathways, and how a practice of breathing helps our thinking brain reboot. Every annoying “why” is a bid to help wire up their little brains, not to make us melt down, though maybe there is entertainment value in that, too.
Everyone reported breathing all week, having been encourged to use the most portable tool at moments of feeling their “lid” starting to flip, though at one point, someone’s husband took it personally. This sentiment was met with more understanding laughter. These growing years offer us opportunities to practice reassuring communication, and self-regulation strategies on repeat.
Use Your Words
We played with parentese as a way to engage with a child’s quickly wiring brain. Pairing up as adults, and speaking reeeeallly sloooowllly with exaaaaggeration of sooooouuunds, the group produced some more bonding chemicals in the silly situation.
Sportscasting was another technique: using words to describe the ever-changing situation in play. Parents were given magnetic tiles, playdough, and stone carved animals. Each pair talked through the actions of building, shaping, and placing, with an awareness that the more words used can foster a more elaborate map for children to navigate their world.
What Do You Need?
We discussed the “needs” behind the behavior. Put on your detective hat to understand how challenging behaviors may be telling us more than just how tired we are.
Just Breathe
The check-ins circled back to verbal fatigue: “It is ‘too much’ to talk sometimes.”
I’ve said enough: let’s breathe awhile. This is a long game.
